Vent

there is these thoughts and feelings whirling around in my head, I am finding it hard to distinguish friend from foe within my own head. And when your own head doesn't appear to make any form of sense, how does the rest of the world even begin to match up? 

i have been in a very dark place before, and i don't want to go back there, but sometimes it is just hard you know? i have done many things i regret, but the things i regret surely made the pain disappear even if it was just for a moment, it was a hell of a lot easier then facing the emotions that are tearing me apart.  so many self loathing thoughts are fighting within me. 

Your not pretty enough.

Your not smart enough.

Your not good enough.

Your not enough.

Your pathetic.

Your stupid.

Your annoying.

Your not wanted...

these open the questions of, should i stay or should i go? what is this worth if im not good for anything? what is this life worth if i am just a pigment disguised in the background. the forever alone one sitting on my own staring out at the scenery wishing i could just decay underground. so why should i hang around? why should i continue holding on? what do i have worth holding onto? no one needs me? so why do i still try? wouldn't everyone else be that much better off without me? i know i am a burden especially with these thoughts, i just bring everyone down. so i try to fake it, i paint on that smile and go day by day, forcing myself to continue. but what if i can't do that anymore? what if i can't stay false forever, because a false world hurts that much more than reality, because you know it's not true and no matter how much you long for this world, you will soon be thrown back into reality where everything is stained black, white and blood.

so tell me, should i lay this razor blade down? should i continue to lie to myself like this? or should i just let everything go?