Just Argh

have you guys (the ones that actually bother to read this) ever had a "friend" who just infuriates you. one who claims you are their best friend, but any turn they shoot you down, knock over what little confidence you had. or just doesn't care about anything but themselves, they don't care if you are in pain or upset, they just want to make you happy so they don't have to deal with you? well i am stuck with one like that, i don't want to create a fight because i really don't want to handle the repercussions  of that fight. and not only that but this supposed friend wears a mask of innocence so i have select few people who will actually listen to me. if i try and even explain what is happening i just get,

"oh no your making this up cause she would never do something like that"
in response.... OH MY FUCK. i am sick of it. it is putting me on my last legs, and seeing as i am bipolar i am showing a great use self control in not hitting her in the face. i am just sick of it. i am sick of the way she treats me, i am sick of the way everyone thinks that sun just shines out of her ass. she doesn't care if i am hurt, she doesn't care if anything horrible has happened, like recently i told her i would have to put my cat down soon. she just said grow up and get over it, it's not that important you are pathetic for letting that hurt you, you should stop being a baby and grow up it's not like your cat was that great anyway. it is just a worthless animal. remember how i had said i had struggled not to punch her, well it was in this instance when i felt that sudden wane in control. luckily i didn't do anything i would regret. well actually considering the circumstances i don't think i would have regretted it.

so any advice from anyone out there who is wasting their time reading this? lolz im sure there is more pressing troubles out there, but hey, if any of you have any advice please speak up i am keen to hear it.

For Naru

i find that when i hit that low, when my mind mentions everything previously posted. well there is always something that pulls me out. my one ray of sunlight, the light that is my naru and my ita. you are always there. i understand you are having a hard time now, but i wanted to say thankyou. for everything. and most important of all, for being there when no one else was.

Vent

there is these thoughts and feelings whirling around in my head, I am finding it hard to distinguish friend from foe within my own head. And when your own head doesn't appear to make any form of sense, how does the rest of the world even begin to match up? 

i have been in a very dark place before, and i don't want to go back there, but sometimes it is just hard you know? i have done many things i regret, but the things i regret surely made the pain disappear even if it was just for a moment, it was a hell of a lot easier then facing the emotions that are tearing me apart.  so many self loathing thoughts are fighting within me. 

Your not pretty enough.

Your not smart enough.

Your not good enough.

Your not enough.

Your pathetic.

Your stupid.

Your annoying.

Your not wanted...

these open the questions of, should i stay or should i go? what is this worth if im not good for anything? what is this life worth if i am just a pigment disguised in the background. the forever alone one sitting on my own staring out at the scenery wishing i could just decay underground. so why should i hang around? why should i continue holding on? what do i have worth holding onto? no one needs me? so why do i still try? wouldn't everyone else be that much better off without me? i know i am a burden especially with these thoughts, i just bring everyone down. so i try to fake it, i paint on that smile and go day by day, forcing myself to continue. but what if i can't do that anymore? what if i can't stay false forever, because a false world hurts that much more than reality, because you know it's not true and no matter how much you long for this world, you will soon be thrown back into reality where everything is stained black, white and blood.

so tell me, should i lay this razor blade down? should i continue to lie to myself like this? or should i just let everything go?